The Fedora Chroinicles
by GatlingPixie
Summary: In a world of religious sheeple and girls who only date a*sholes, one fedora-armed gentleman stands alone...
1. Chapter 1

Hi, my name is Dawkins. It's a nickname, because I loathe the religion that sucks in the mindless and intellectually inferior sheeple. I left my island of Fedora Cove after I got friendzoned one too many times (guess I'm just too nice). I'm here to become a Hunter of two things, a girlfriend and the ultra-rare MLP figure of Fluttershy with no eyes. This, is my story.

_**Chapter I- And so it Begins...**_

Here I am, about to compete in the Hunter exam! It's my first time, but I'm a nice enough guy to pass! Plus, my charming fedora will get me by. We must run with this probably religious sheeperson for as long as he says to. No matter, I've been running from the imaginary 'God' all my life. Here we go. RUNNNNNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING. Oh wait. I can't run.

I failed. Oh well. Looks like nice guys **do** finish last...


	2. Chapter 2: Our hero's darkest hour

**Chapter 2**

Dawkins began to walk back the way he came, it would take him at least 20 seconds to retrace all 30ft of his trek. His head was held low, the brim of his trademarked black fedora covering his world-weary eyes. _I'm 19 years old, still single, unemployed. I can't go home. Not back to those anti-intellectual philistines. Not the stupid women who always end up crying about how bad their boyfriends are and how they wish they knew a guy like me, only to end up back in their stupid boyfriend's arms after they kiss and make up. And not back to my mom. Not until I do what I said I'd do, become a Hunter. _He stopped his waddling for a moment and, for the first time in a while, had a moment of pure unobstructed thought free of falsities and lies. He stared sullen at the dark ground; and in his mind there was no Dawkins, there was just Andrew Alexander Lewis. 19 year old virgin, unemployed waste-of-space, and university drop-out. _I'm sorry mom. I'll find another way to pay for your medicine, I promise. _Raising a hand to clutch his locket hidden under his shirt, he continued on out of the cave. Tossing his number badge that read '75' to the ground, his ears pricked up as he heard screaming and fast-approaching throngs of determined applicants. _What in the name of Friendzoning?! _


	3. Chapter 3: Return of the Fedora

**Chapter 3**

As Dawkins turned, he had to strain his eyes to focus on what was approaching. All the applicants who had laughed at his expense were now sprinting back in his direction, the terror seared onto their faces proving that nothing good was at the end of this tunnel. _A trap for those idiots? Good call by me, I knew something was up. Glad I stayed behind because I thought of it. _His lapse in confidence over, he drifted back to the persona of Dawkins: future Hunter king extraordinaire!

As they ran past him, he grabbed a tiny boy the colour of cheddar cheese whose shirt read 'EMOJI MOVIE COMING 2017'. The young lad looked like a Vietnam vet pulled straight out of an ambush, his eyes staring past Dawkins' and into the void only he could see. "What happened?!" Probed Dawkins, eager to discover the nature of the brilliant plan laid out for these morons. "T-the beanbag woman…s-s-she…". Life left his eyes. He was gone. Dawkins respectfully closed his eyes for him, and laid the child down. "Rest in euphoria." Dawkins quietly said to the body, as he looked on through the mindless rats running past him on either side. He walked forward, trenchcoat catching off of the rushing air and dust clouds made by the legions of horrified examinees. Parting the seas of fear he strode onward to face his challenge head-on, and as he recited his bank of /r/atheism quotes a smirk grew across his face, for he knew that he was not blessed by some phony God but by intelligence.

A half-hour walk later and he was nearly a full kilometre away from where he began his quest, his lungs hadn't done this much work since he was challenged to a duel by Derek from the church down the road, truly a worthy opponent but no match for Dawkins. As he reminded himself of that moment he gained more determination. _With knowledge in my artillery I am quite the opponent! _He noticed that on the ground towards where he was running were burn marks, as though a fire had blazed through the corridor of trials where he found himself. Suddenly ahead of him lay a crater, of roughly 12 metre diameter and 3 metre depth. _The foe who created this must have truly been a great warrior…_ Carefully treading around the marker of the conflict, he continued on and was soon met by light from the outdoors. The moustached man looked down the flight of stairs at Dawkins from the doorway. "Come on then, you're one of the only four who made it! Get up here!" With a brief cricking of his neck Dawkins prepared to face his life-long opponent: stairs.

_Almost…there…_ One foot up, the other foot up. That same formula repeated for what seemed to be a thousand times as he mounted what he once considered to be an insurmountable force of evil, right up there with diet Mountain Dew and dial-up internet. "Please sir, if you need any help don't be afraid to ask for-"

"**SILENCE YOU WEAK MINDED-FOOL I AM DAWKINS THE PROFESSIONAL QUOTE MAKER AND SOON TO BE HUNTER OF THE MLP FIGURES**!" With one final step he made it up the rudimentary non-moving escalator, and after checking his watch he realised it must be broken. Where else did those 3 hours and 23 minutes go?

Stepping beyond the door he shielded his eyes from the sun's rays. He surveyed his surroundings and noticed his three other successors. _I should've known…_


	4. Chapter 4: The Gang Meet

**Chapter 4**

He gazed, eyes still adjusting to the new light, at his fellow victors for the first round of the exam. His vision was half filled by the sight of the person he quickly realised to be the 'beanbag woman' that his late friend the Cheese Child had warned him about.

"Uhhh, excuse me!? I didn't give you my consent to be looked at, shitlord!" Her bright red hair, cut short enough to give the impression that everything triggers her, shone in the hot summer sun like burnished brass. She quickly went back to typing on her laptop to update her Tumblr, typing something about men being oversexed beasts who need to keep their hate speech off of her campus. _Yeah whatever lady bet you would've friendzoned me anyway. _

After rotating his neck for some time to escape from the tub of lard that sat in front of him, he noticed the second victor. A small girl, no older than 15, with blue hair in twintails down to her ankles. She wore a Japanese schoolgirl outfit, like something out of an anime. She stood with her legs apart and her right hand up to her face, and made a 'V' with her fingers that she looked through. As soon as Dawkins made eye contact with her, she blushed, quickly turned on some speakers she hid in a bush, and began to dance.

~~Nazonazo mitai ni chikyuugi wo tokiakashitara  
minna de doko made mo ikeru ne

wakuwaku shitai to negainagara sugoshiteta yo  
kanaete kureta no wa dare nano?

jikan no hate made Boooon!

*WARP de LOOP na kono omoi wa  
nani mo kamo wo makikonda souzou de asobou

aru hareta hi no koto  
mahou ijou no yukai ga  
kagirinaku furisosogu fukanou janai wa  
ashita mata au toki warainagara HUMMING  
ureshisa wo atsumeyou  
kantan nanda yo konna no  
oikakete ne tsukamaete mite  
ooki na yume &amp; yume suki deshou?~~

Once her song had finished, she was left out of breath and sweating from the impassioned dance beneath the sun's rays.

"S-so, what did you think?" She asked a stunned Dawkins.

Reflecting for a moment, saw his chance to find love in this exam. "Why hello my sweet orchid, wonderful day no? I did quite enjoy your little display, your skills in the dance are almost equal to my skills in conversational chess. Rook to Pawn, my sweet dove."

"So you liked it? SUUUUGOIIIIIII ONII-CHAN! Watashi wa Claire desu, but my friends call me Sakura, Seventh Blade of the Oda Clan! After my village was burned to the ground by the evil Takedas, I swore to seek vengeance and honour for my family! I trained for years to develop my ultra-secret technique, so powerful I took an oath to only use it on those who slaughtered my family! Wanna see?" She excitedly asked.

"Of course my delightful swan, I would adore observing your fine battle skills this day." She lept up 20 feet in the air, and withdrew the two blades she kept sheathed in a daisho on her hip.

"Ima, fukushū no ha wa, karera no niku kara no watashi no teki no hifu o hikisakimasu!" She cleaved through a nearby tree like it was nothing, forcing the bark and leaves to disintegrate leaving a bare wooden skeleton of arboreal agony. The tree was in fact an ent, and it got up and ran away at speed for several metres before collapsing and twitching before succumbing to the pain, all way screaming in shock. "Gomen'nasai!" Claire-san shouted as she sheathed her blade. Dawkins, petrified of this girl who seemed to have actual powers, lay on the floor clutching his fedora. He quickly crawled away out of fear and without realising he bumped into the third victor's legs.

"Could you not do that?" A voice above him said. He looked up to see a woman in roughly her 30s, with blonde natural hair and glasses in front of her unimpressed expression. Dawkins quickly rose to his feet and sized up this other victor. She wore a white button-up shirt and a plain black skirt, with sensible dress shoes. His examining her only peeved her more. "Yeah if you're gonna check me out at least have a decent line to make me sarcastically chuckle, thanks."

"Oh but my sweet lady, I am not like other guys! Where they may be interested in such frivolous trivialities as looks, I am only interested in one thing my precious marmoset, your mind." He tipped his fedora. "Dawkins, your friend and knight, if need be of course m'lady. May I have the pleasure of hearing your name, pure rose?"

"Delia. Delia Smith. Now please get the hell away from me, your BO is making me want to gag. Don't make me show you what my 'oh so precious mind' can do." Stunned but not beaten, he tried again.

"Please my beauty, tell me what your mind can do. It's all I'm interested in." She dragged a sigh on for almost 10 seconds before answering.

"Okay asshat, see that building in the distance there?" She gestured to a small hovel some hundred metres away.

"Why yes, of course my-OH MY FALSE DEITY ONLY BELIEVED IN BY MINDLESS SHEEP!" The building which was happily sitting there, old couple playfully bickering inside, had suddenly become a very large explosion. By the time the smoke had cleared all that was left was a large ditch and some small fires.

"That mind you're so interested in? It makes things explode. Now, get the hell away from me, dumbass. Unless you want to go on an adventure in many different directions at the same time." _Oh crap, I'm gonna be killed! I gotta get the hell out of here, no MLP figure is worth getting flayed, blown up, or crushed! _ Just then the mustached gentleman spoke.

"Now we will be moving onto the second phase of the examination. Just a reminder that because you have made it this far, there will be no leaving until the exam has been completed. Come along you bunch of freaks." He began to walk onward, and the others followed him. Dawkins looked to the ground and prayed to the One True Intellectual Being. _Please my Lord, don't make it be the fat one who kills me!_

_Thank you all my dear readers for making this the NUMBER 1 FEDORA THEMED STORY ON THE HUNTERXHUNTER PART OF THIS WEBSITE WOOOO WE DID IT YEAAAHHHH (P.S. edited because the formatting was chewed up and spat out by the cyber powers-that-be)_


	5. Chapter 5: Feline Fortune

The small group of thus-far poorly developed and one-dimensional heroes had been walking for some time, before coming to a cliff's edge overlooking a small field. Dotted amongst the field were several cats, most ginger like a Weasley with the occasional black and brown; and even one of those really dodgy-looking hairless ones. You know the ones I mean. The gang were becoming antsy, two of them weren't equipped to walk more than a mile without passing out, one was just trying to read her manga, and our last hero was simply trying to be as involved with the others as possible; and hung back at the rear as much as possible even if it put her directly in the path of Dawkins' lethal B.O.

"Hey, CIS-scum! Quit fat-shaming me and hurry up! When are we gonna get to the next part of our challenge?" Asked the fat one. No not that fat one. Yeah the permanently triggered one, there you go. She was almost ready to prepare her special attack, 'Keeper of Hate Speech off of This Campus', before being summarily answered by their enigmatic guide.

"Number 87, please, calm yourself. We've just arrived as it happens. Let me explain the second stage of the Exam. See those cats? Each of you must deliver one to me. If you harm the cat in any way, you are disqualified. Do this within 10 minutes and you will advance to the next phase. Fail, and you will be disqualified. Any questions; you lowlifes and scum?" Much like Ms. Smith, Mustachio the Mysterious never seemed to change his expression from 'uninterested sarcasm'.

"Haiiii! Sakura-chan has a question! Do you grant extra points to whoever gets the most kawaii neko?" Never losing her beaming and gleeful personality, Sakura Oda could cheer up that snail you stepped on the last time you went out. That's right. You may not have noticed, but I did. You monster.

For the first time, Mustachio moved his facial muscles to deliver emotion! Although he only moved his mouth to accentuate the apathy that burned in his very soul like the British Sterling burned in the wake of Brexit. Finally his thin lips parted as he spoke. "Look kid I really could not care less how cute the thing looks just bring me the damn cat so I can go home. Now come on, go so I have five minutes to myself."

And like that, the four intrepid adventurers split apart to capture a feisty feline in the field of flowers and ferns, failure means forfeit and forfeit means f*ckloads of fuzzy navels.

Sakura-chan, a lover of basically everything, was the first to capture one of the rather surprised nekos. A small ebony fluffball with emerald eyes was being carried gently by the small girl, cradled by her arms which not too long ago were used to flay an innocent ent. Mustachio looked visably suicidal for a moment as he was just beginning to become comfortable with a calming day on a field. "Look sensei! I got the cutest one just for you!" She held out the kitty, nearly exploding from joy. Her undeniable adorable charm was not lost on Mustachio, but just before he mustered a smile or a pleasantry, he remembered his other students and promptly shoved the happiness down where it belonged.

"Amaaaaaaaaazing job. Put it over there." He weakly gestured to some random direction, before closing his eyes again.

"But sensei won't he escape?"

"Well mayb...**zzz**..." Their fearless leader was asleep. Sakura saw this as a chance to sit on the ledge of the cliff and read her manga, 'There's no way my pet rock can be this arousing!' (_Ore no Petto rokku ga Konna ni Kawaii Wake ga Nai!)_

Next up was Banita Barkeesian, Trigger Queen of Tumblr. Her pronouns are xem/xe/xes, but I couldn't care less. She took a fairly long amount of time, as she had to sex every cat she found to make sure it wasn't male. Uncomfortably lifting the obese tabby back up to the ledge where her examiner and fellow pupil rested was a tough task for this land-whale, but she eventually managed it. She placed the cat on the ground, and it stared blankly into space before falling over and rolling down the slope. "O-M-G rolling triggers me you fascist!" She shouted down the valley before updating her blog.

"Hey Barkeesian-san, why are you doing this exam anyway?" Asked the inquisitive Sakura.

"I'm hunting for safe-spaces where we can be free of the oppressive gaze of the patriarchy!" Bellowed the blob.

Sakura giggled a bit, before replying "Right! Hope your dreams come true!"

Dawkins was the last to return from the field, with the pariah of the cat-society; the sphynx cat. Dawkins was a cat-lover and had always been one, and he was missing his own cat he left back on the island, a lazy beast named The Bible is False Reading Material For Morons (or, at his mother's suggestion, Bib for short). He held the purring creature close to his chest, or as close as his mantits would allow (considering all his companions are female it's pretty depressing that his breasts are only second smallest (#FlatIsJusticeForSakura)). He noticed quickly however that Delia was sat alone, nothing unusual there, but her head was in her hands and she looked oddly depressed for such an enigmatic woman. His gentlemanly skills took over, and he quickly marched towards her before coughing to catch her attention. "Why m'lady, you look so unhappy on such a fine da-" her small but clearly capable fist collided with his second chin, knocking him over and leaving him stunned.

"Look asshole, I'm really not in the mood for your white knight crap okay? Just piss off unless you wanna choke on your own blood." He saw her eyes for a brief moment, red and slightly puffy from crying. Again the facade of Dawkins crumbled, as the memory of his mother crying somewhat like this when she explained what her doctor said flashed back into his mind. He got up, and this time it was Andrew who spoke to Delia.

"Delia, is everything alright?" Caught off guard by his sincerity, a side to him she had not yet seen, she cautiously answered.

"No. I'm afraid of cats, not to mention allergic to the touch. Time's about to run out and I can't pass the exam, so I've failed."

"And what does that mean for you?"

"Means my debt's gonna catch up to me, so I'll probably end up face-down in some remote river knowing those kinds of people...I don't...I'm..." She trailed off, and Andrew could see in her eyes not panic, nor sadness, but just acceptance. Acceptance of her fate. The same look he saw in his mother's eyes.

"...take mine." He said finally.

"What? Take your...cat?"

"Tell him it's yours. You deserve to pass more than I do, Delia." He placed Nietzsche the Hairless Wonder at her feet, before donning an innocent smile.

"Dawkins I... I can't-" Her emotional gratitude was suddenly cut short by an alarm coming from Mustachio's phone, waking him quickly. He jumped to his feet and looked at the time, before saying so many curse words I can't quite record them all.

"Crap! I slept in and we're late for the next part of this dumb test or whatever! Come on you mongrels forget the stupid cats and come with me!" He jogged off across the hills, before being quickly followed by Sakura and Banita. Andrew faded and Dawkins returned, trying to make up for his moment of genuine concern earlier.

"Uh, oh no m'lady! The sheeple escapes our grasps! Come, chase him with me!" Dawkins quickly ran off, trying to escape his momentary lapse in character. A stunned Delia jogged behind him, reflecting on how her initial perception of the man was different from how he was in a time of need. After all, who can truly say that their first impressions are representative of their entire character? How many even know you for your self, and not the facade you put up for people? They just might prefer the person under the fedora, dear reader.

(Thank you all so much again for reading! I'm sorry for the lapse in updates but during that time I went to build a house in Mexico and finished my exams and stuff so maybe I'll try and update more frequently. I'm surprised this gets views, and your reviews and such encourage me to continue writing about our favourite fedora-wearer and his ragtag bunch of allies. Have a nice day, and I hope to see you next time I update this God-awful tale."


	6. Chapter 6: A Night Out With the Gang

A recurring theme for our intrepid adventurers seems to be running through lush vaguely located plains and rolling hills doesn't it? Well after yet more of that, with very little of consequence happening, the heroes and their sarcastic guide came across a small port. A few pubs or those really grimy kebab stores you get where the owner is a hairy Pakistani man who only ever seems to grunt in response to your often inebriated food ordering seem to be the main services and goods at this quaint village. Banita and Dawkins lit up upon smelling anything remotely fattening, and instinctively reached for their gender neutral currency carrying devices.

Their leader stopped and heel-turned sharply to face his mentally and physically exhausted examinees. "Now you've all had a tough day, and while I personally do not respect you or your well-being on any level, my contract requires I do. So, " Mustachio put on an even drier and more monotonous voice than normal, and no, I didn't think it was possible either, sounding like he was reading from a script drilled into him from his training "'let me offer all you hardworking potential future hunters a gift of 1500 Jenny (yes I had to Google the currency in Hunter x Hunter don't judge me I'll judge you) to buy dinner.'" Letting out a deep sigh as he held out a coin purse for each of the four, he returned to his usual tone. "After you've eaten whatever slop they sell here we'll board the official ferry to Exam Cove and there we will undergo your final test. You'll sleep on the ferry. I will meet you all in one hour on the docks, if you are late because you are too busy clogging your arteries with questionable quality meat then we'll all be sure to cry at your loss." A long pause followed, most of the examinees asking themselves why they got stuck with the King of Charisma as their invigilator. After a very awkward silence and an increasingly antagonistic stare from Mustachio, he opened his tight lips again. "If you need me, there is a red light district in the town over. Follow the sounds of immense female pleasure and I'm sure to be there. See you at 8 you morons." With power the likes of which none of the heroes had ever seen before, which considering the roster we have here, is an immense achievement, Mustachio shot off with a single bound of his run. In under ten seconds he was over 150 metres away, and thus our adventurers collected their money from the floor and walked off into the town without a word to each other.

Delia had gone off with Sakura, being the member of the group she hated least as she was both hygienic and could hold a conversation. Somewhat. Delia had little appetite, her mind wracked with thoughts of the new side she had seen of Dawkins. Come to think of it, she knew very little about any members of her 'team' as it were. Now seemed like the ideal chance to ask Sakura about her history, and possibly to even get to know her a little. Delia didn't have many friends left, and she definitely hadn't made any new ones since her days at university. "Hey, Sakura?" she began, looking more genuine than usual.

"Hmm? What's up Smith-san? Did you want a bite of my pub bento?" the small girl replied over her box of neatly arranged chips and mushy peas.

"No no, nothing like that. I just wanted to, you know, get to know you more. We're gonna be in this exam for a little while longer, and I thought maybe we could talk about something..." Delia trailed off, slightly self-conscious after having in her mind embarrassed herself.

"Really? Great! I've been wanting to talk to you since we all met! I haven't had a girl friend in ages! O-M-G do you think we could be like sisters?!" Delia went blank faced as Sakura talked...and talked...and talked...she finished her half-pint of stout in one move, before ordering a shot of rum without Sakura even slowing her verbal onslaught.

Banita had gone off alone, partially because Dawkins was part of the filthy oppressive patriarchy and partly because she couldn't catch Sakura and Delia. She walked into a place called 'KEBABS', though the 'KE' was missing. Inside of BABS was a sleeping man of about 45, monobrow thick with lamb-meat grease. "Do you have any **women** working here I could talk to?" Banita probed. Abdullah the owner grunted. "Ugh, can I at least order a donner kebab from a female lamb? Make sure it's female or I'm suing! No male will be inside me that's rape." Again, Abdullah grunted. He pointed to the small menu hanging above him with a stumpy finger. The menu had two items on it: battered cod, and cattered bod. Upon seeing this, Banita went into a fury. "Uhhhhhhm **EXCUUUUUUUUUUUSE me?! **'Bod' as in 'body'?! That's rape I'll have you know! This is exactly the kind of stuff that gets me pissed okay you men think you can objectify women like that!? What do you even have to say in your defence?!" Abdullah smirked the tiniest bit, and grunted again.

Dawkins had actually heard of this village before. Kapnin, a small village on the West coast with a population of about 500. When he was a kid Dawkins studied his atlas almost like a bible, if instead of being a Christian he was an intellectual fedora enthusiast. He knew almost every settlement in the country, and the locations of every fedora shop in every one of those settlements. Sadly Kapnin had none, its most interesting feature being the sunset over the beach. Dawkins was starving though, and he went into The Bee's Hive pub for a drink and some cheap peanuts. 17,466 peanuts, three pints of Diet Coke, and an empty wallet later, he exited with his fedora held high. He was nearing the final test, and soon he would be able to hunt down a girlfriend who wouldn't just friendzone him like _Natasha did. _"Damn you Natasha! He's not good enough for you he just wants your body!" He shouted at the evening sky rather abruptly, before noticing some noise from the playground to his left. The ever curious vanguard of intelligence went to investigate, as it could be a woman under attack who needed saving! 'Good thing I studied the blade!' thought Dawkins before rushing over to check it out.

"Come on dumbass give it here!" a small boy shouted. As Dawkins rounded the corner he was the source of the ruckus: just some kids. Three, to be exact. Two rather large ones with heads like crushed cans, and a third no taller than the other two's shoulders. In the third's arms was clutched a book, the title of which Dawkins couldn't make out, though it looked thick. The two seemed to be harassing the smaller child, pushing him into a corner. Images of his childhood flooded back into his mind, Dawkins was similarly harassed for his size or interest in reading and noire headwear. A rage filled Dawkins from his cargo shorts up his trench coat all the way to his fedora, a power even. In that moment he felt euphoric, not because of some phony God's blessing and unlike normal not even because of intellectual enlightenment, but from a surge of power like his aura had opened. Dawkins dethroned his fedora from his scalp, revealing locks of long, black, unkempt and greasy hair. Like a large Asian in a Bond film he tossed his trademark fedora, and it shot off like a railgun projectile. The gentlemanly headwear accelerated to mach two, which makes it all the more lucky that he missed by a fair amount. Still though the noise made by the impact of the hat and the ground made a very impressive noise, and the bullies' heads turned to see the silhouette of what they believed to be the local version of the Grim Reaper, the Unamused Farmhand. "Oh crap man let's go!" shouted the slightly uglier one, before both sped off. Dawkins walked towards his hat, which was still in perfect condition, and put it back on.

"Hmm! Those sheeple must be terrified of **true** ecclesiastical genius! Worship me ignorant religious followers!" He shouted loudly, before remembering the third child. He extended a hand, trying to look as cool and intimidating as possible even with Coke stains on his MLP shirt. The smaller child accepted his helping hand up, and was too shocked to externalise his numerous questions. "Remember child!" Dawkins howled, covering the small kid's face in spit, "People like them are too concerned with other people! Their false religion teaches to look out for others more than yourself!" Dawkins handed the child back his book, A Brief History of Time by Hawking, and lowered his voice. "So don't give thought to what other people think of you. Follow your own ambitions." Another slightly genuine moment from Andrew breaking through the Dawkins, before simmering down as usual. Just like he entered he exited again: stinking, ugly, and laughably arrogant.

Almost in unison all members of the group checked their watches/Tumblrs/phones/sundials and realised that the time was almost up. They all ran as fast as they could to the docks to find Mustachio, completely wasted and covered in hickies. "Ah! The freaks have returned...huzzahhhhhh!" he staggered around, gesturing for them to join him on their ferry, christened Not Another Test, We Swear. Cautiously they did, unaware that the most testing trial was soon to come. The four stood at the bow of the ship and looked at the mesmerising sunset without a word exchanged between them. Though they all seemed to despise one another, they were slowly getting to like each other, in some way or another. Will this new found appreciation for their fellow pupils last?

(Thank you so much as always for reading if you did, though if you didn't I don't suppose you'd be able to see this. I really do enjoy writing these actually so I will, for now at least, probably update this semi-regularly. If you enjoyed it feel free to say so in a review as well as give any ideas or advice. If you hated it feel free to abuse me in a private message or whatever, or just make a shrine to the hope that I kill myself soon. Stay enlightened from the sheeple readers, and until next time, goodbye).


	7. Chapter 7: The Calm Before The Storm

The gang had boarded the endearing, but decidedly dodgy looking, ship and after watching the mesmerising sunset they all retired to their rooms. All members of the team were tired after what seemed like weeks worth of events inexplicably taking place in a single day, and yet all but one of them were awake. As the ferry silently ploughed through the ebony waves, and a storm gathered to the East, a smaller boat drifted closer to the group's transport. A grappling line shot from the secondary craft, and one by one figures ascended the rope and boarded the ferry. Most carried weapons, and the skills to use them.

Sakura polished her daisho set, and kissed her Kyon-kun dakimakura for luck. She didn't wear her normal outfit of a school uniform made of fabrics and silk. No, she wore her 'Dai nana bushi no hoshi no sentō-fuku', which was virtually identical in appearance but was actually armoured, however as her skirt came about 5 inches down her thigh her lower body was essentially unarmoured, as were her neck, face, and forearms. If you questioned her about it, she would reply "Cuteness is a form of defence in itself!" She knew what was coming, it was so obvious. The boat was named 'Not Another Test, We Swear' for God's sake. What idiot wouldn't be able to tell that this was a seriously dangerous trap!?

**MEANWHILE IN THE ROOM OF ONE SUCH IDIOT**

Dawkins lay under the covers of the single bed, which barely contained his form. In his arms he cradled his fedora Elizabeth, whispering sweet nothings into her and nuzzling her gently with his neckbeard. He gently moaned in his sleep something related to his current dream. "No Pinkie Pie, I'm not ready...". What a disgusting slab of manchild he was.

**MEANWHILE IN THE ROOM OF A MUCH MORE PERCEPTIVE IDIOT**

The room was in a state of sensory deprivation, save for three things: wild tapping on a laptop's keyboard, a dim blue glow from the screen, and an unmistakable stench. The reeking odour of sweat, triggers, and red hair dye. Room 203 was Banita's, and even she could tell that this was a time to get prepared for what could be any kind of trial. She did this by getting herself to her ultimate final form: Banita's 100% Full Trigger Mode, a form no living person has seen. However this form requires a heavy payment: She must scroll through thousands upon thousands of kilobytes of images and blogs that trigger her. She was nearing realisation of her true power, and her short scarlet hair was beginning to stand on end as it radiated with power. There are ancient legends about those with a similar power. Whispers passed from the lips of frightful villagers talking about the Big Red Trigglypuff. She was ready to deal with any mansplainers she came across.

**MEANWHILE IN THE ROOM OF A WOMAN WHO HAS INCREDIBLE PYROKINETIC POWER AND YET IS SOMEHOW OUR MOST NORMAL CHARACTER**

Delia was perched on the edge of her bed, her eyes tired and sunken in from the day's long events. Solemnly she readied herself for the obvious trial that faced them all, but she mostly did this by drinking whatever was in the room's mini-fridge, alcoholic or no. With an empty expression she took off her glasses, and a strand of hair fell across her slender face. She laid back in her bed and stared at the ceiling. Really she stared beyond the ceiling, through the ships' deck and into the night sky. Around her she pictured stars and galaxies, and slowly she felt the world around her turn into a breezy night on a secluded hill, just like the one she went to all those years ago. Her fantasy spoke to her, "Sweetie?" the male voice in her head said, and instantly she was gone from the hill and back in the humid room. She reached around her neck and grabbed the golden chain hidden under her shirt, and lifted it up and over her head until she held it in her palms. She focused on the locket and after a brief pause clicked the button on top, opening it. She gazed with dead eyes at her past self, from roughly five years ago. Slowly she panned her eyes over to see _him_. Both of them smiled like they hadn't a care in the world as long as they were in each other's arms, and that was the truth. She felt tears build up in her eyes, as they always did when she looked at him, but all that came out was more of the same cold expression she gave everyone. She would give anything to be able to cry about it again, but she had no tears left to cry it seemed.

Then, at once, on every door of every room that contained one of our protagonists, came a knocking from the hardest challenge they have ever faced.

(Shorter chapter yes, but it's kinda like a bridging between one trial and the next. Apologies for slow update, writer's block and starting Sixth Form has slowed things down slightly. In any case the next few chapters should be decent so why not stick around? Thank you as always for reading, have a great day ladies and gents).


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